Love is so scary. I said "NO".
Love hurts. I said not that much.
Love makes you bad. I said not really..
...unless you're weak and selfish, who doesn't know the value of sacrifice.
One of our purpose here is to love and to be loved.
Some of us get scared to love because they said it hurts when love fails
But most of us took the risk of loving, believing that its better to love, though lost that love, than never to love at all.
Love is a very powerful force that could change a life to every individual.
It is a powerful healing force to those who embrace it with no condition
but a disgrace to some who took it selfishly.
It could drive you crazy, weird or wild
or give you happiness, contentment and peace.
When it hits you, you gotta deal with it in your own ways.
Love excuses no one, not even to the goddess of love.
I wanted to share about Lavi Singh's insight on a "wild horse ride" love, by sharing a story of a modern goddess who took the risk of loving a man unconditionally.
Confession of a Goddess
They say I'm a goddess of love and beauty. So feeling like a real goddess, strong yet sensible, jolly and carefree, I opened up my wings to embrace love and fly to the rain. I spread beauty through my smile, showering happiness to everyone I see. I am confident in everything I do. I do what I love, and love what I do.
Love, trouble, storm... are no big deal to me.
My love could heal whatever it may be.
I don't see any problem in love storm. I don't see any emotion stronger than the love in the heart of every person. I am not bothered when people got shaken by the so-called "Love and hate commotion". I don't mind it all, because all I mind is "I am the goddess of love, and love is in my heart.
I am confident I can handle things. I am a goddess remember?
I can control my own feelings as well as the feelings of others. If I need something, I can have it, just by the flip of my finger. I believe I am destined to reach my own star, because I, myself, is a star.
One dark night, trying to come out from my comfort zone, in the world of nowhere, I’ve seen one gorgeous star. Sparkling like the purest jewel, I saw him perfect in everything. I got mesmerized by his magnificence. He’s like the moon shining from a distance, winking at me flirting with his smile.
.... at last I found my destined star!
That first crazy happy night. 12:00 midnight. I made a genuine happy smile while staring at my new found star across the mile. I feel disturbed by his charm. His smile is electrifying that awakened a passionate yearning I never expected to feel. Though I am a stranger to him, his stunning craziness has made me at ease by his presence. That moment, to him I may look like nothing, but to me, I know he is everything.
What is happening to me? I can control things just by the flip of my finger but why now my entire being has gone crazy? Who is this irresistible star that has entered my heart in just a second with no permission and doesn't even care to leave? Why is he disturbing my ironed life and feeling himself comfortable at my sight?
Have I known this star before? He is some kind of noble, strong and powerful like a god, is he a god? He seemed not ordinary but quite familiar to me. I feel like I’ve known him long ago. Have we met before in the greenwood and once in our time have frolicked the rivers and danced with the trees? I feel like he knows me. Each time I see him, I am full of excitement like I am seeing something special shining like no other.
Day by day I wish nothing but to go near him. What is it I am feeling? Every single step I make is like I’m walking towards a flame. I feel like burning each time I see different girls shared a smile at him. I wanna take a step back.. but I can’t, because the more I do it, the more it hurts. Trying to suppress my tears (tears? Goddess do cry?), I just close my eyes and try to make my chance towards him. I don’t wanna compete with any girl. I am in competition with no one. I just wanna go near him and love him. I just wanna see him closer, so I could memorize every single detail of his face and paint it in my heart.
Luckily, I was able to get closer to him, but oh god, the closer I get to touch him the stronger my yearnings. I lost my own world because he has become my world. My simple love for him has brought me into another dimension. A place of contentment where I could love him freely without asking anything in return and no expectation. In that place he knows I love him more than I ever loved anyone, yet I refrain from asking him of how he really feels. Every time he smile at me, I know he cares! That is more than enough for me. I wanna savor the sweetness of loving him. I don’t care about everything. I don’t even care about tomorrow. All I want is fly, fly high like an eagle and if I fall down, break my neck, I would still be happy because it was all my decision.
Days and months gone by, my love is taking me so up in the sky. Love wants me to enter in his soul. The more I try to get in deeper, the more I get lost. Each time he sit next to me, there’s magic, nothing matters except his words and his lips. I’ve never been as happy as this before. Just by the thought of him turns my world upside down. I really don’t care about what is happening around. I don’t care if people notice me or see me stupid. I want nothing from anyone except to be in his arms.
I decided to see my love every night and day. He is the star I wanna see and talk to before I sleep at night, and the same star I wanna smile at each morning I wake up. Day after day he is in my every thought. He told me once he doesn’t deserve of my pure love because he is broken, but I shut him up. I don’t care about his past. After all, broken stars are the loveliest and strongest stars. He may be a broken star but his broken pieces give shine to everyone. This is what makes him unique and perfect in my sight. I am willing to help him pick up the broken pieces. I sensed something troubled him. He seemed too restless. I wish I could do something to comfort him. I wish I could erase the pain that hides within him and I wish I could quench his thirst and turn his dry river into an ocean of happiness. I wish I could.. but how? For now, the only thing I could do is a promise to love him from afar, in my very own way of loving. I love him for no reason, his presence is enough for me to carry on.
One day, with so much excitement to see him again, standing at the place where I last saw him, I waited for him patiently. Where is he? He isn’t coming back? I start to worry. My excitement gone and turn into fear. Fear that he might not come back. For the first time I feel weak and my confidence has become like an ice cream, sweet but melting under the heat of the sun. I’ve never been so scared in my whole existence, not until now.
Feeling weary, I sat in the ground, not losing my hope. Tries to appear strong, I hold back the tears. I could hardly breathe.. as if myself was torn into two. My heart wants to say something but my mind starts to argue. Confusion engulfed me, tears clouded my eyes. What is happening? Yesterday I was so happy, but now I feel like a broken arrow hit my heart and tear it apart. I buried myself with both hands and screamed in silence and asked god why.
Few moments after, I heard footsteps from a distance, leading towards me. My eyes want to see, my body wants to feel, but my heart gets scared. My sorrowful heart wants to cheer me up and say “see I told you he is coming, you just need to wait”, but my mind interfered, “No don’t look up, it’s not him, you would only regret”. The hell about regrets.. my love is stronger than my doubt. I didn’t care. I looked up and saw my love extending his hand at me, helping me to stand up. With no second thought I hugged him tight, buried my face in his shoulders, trying to hide the tears streaming down from my eyes. I wish to tell him that last few hours I die a hundred times.. but no, I don’t want him to see me cry, I don’t want him to see me sad. He’s here. No point of wasting my time when he is in my hug.
My love for him is getting deeper. I asked him the next day how he feels about me. My heart is in a rush. I was holding my breath for his answer.. no words came out from his sweet lips except a sweet killer smile that melt my heart like what he did from the very start. Maybe he is not a man of words. His gesture is enough to give me a rainbow. My mind wants to say something but this time, I shut her up, not allowing her to say even a single word. I deserve to be happy. He is my happiness. My love for him inspires me. I’ve seen beauty in everywhere I see. His care and concern is like medicine to me, his smile is like water that gives me life every day. This love of mine drives me crazy.. but I don’t care. I feel like I can defeat all the hard times, I can win in every battle as long as he is near.
But in everything there is twist. Storm has come. My feeling become shaky. No it can’t be. I am a goddess and everything is in my control, remember? Everything must be okay.. but god, why do I feel like a stranger with my very own self now? Does my love towards him changes me? Or I’m just too worried that my love will just fly away with the storm. There’s a feeling I hate to feel, jealousy. I have never been insecure in my life, but when I see my love standing with someone or talk to someone, my stupid thoughts bring thunderstorm in my hopes. All the happy feelings get scared, they want to hide only in his hug. Why am I feeling this? This is not me. I’ve never been afraid when it comes to love because I myself is love, but why now I feel like I am torn apart? Who am I now and what are these voices whispering at my weary soul? I’m so tired my brace soldiers step up and start to fight for myself. My brain tries to give me peace, hoping to explain that there’s nothing to worry, but why my heart has become numb and turn into devil? It isn’t my heart, I wanna say it isn’t my heart but how to fight when everything in me is weak? Since when did I start doubting him? I trust him but why this force of jealousy is killing me? I know he is restless. I know he flirts around with other stars and couldn’t stick with just one, but why am I hurt when I knew it all from the very start?
Jealousy to anger.. god I don’t believe this. My heart has become devil and its turning myself into evil. Now I don’t care, I don’t mind if the universe call me selfish. I want to possess him, own him, call him mine, and get rid of everyone who go near him. I never care if it’s fair or unfair or if they call me aggressive. He is mine. He should be mine. I don’t need anything except his love. All I want is to be happy. If becoming a devil makes me happy, so be it. I don’t care at all.
I wanna close my ears. I don’t like to hear voices from anywhere. My heart says I’m in love. Now I trust my heart enough to keep the star I love. Before, I just wait for him without expecting anything, I just be happy when he appears and smile at me. If he comes late I just think he get stuck with work and I patiently wait for him, but now, because I am in love, I get scared if he comes late, “just one scary dream always comes in front of my eye, no one hide him from my sight”. I wish I fight with him, I wish I cry on his shoulder.. but this is too much. He is here now, I need to hide the fear. Teary eyed, hoping the gods in the entire universe be on my favour, I just look up at the sky, there, I see one broken star, flashed before my eyes. In just a second, I shut off my eyes and made a wish for myself. A wish to keep him with me forever. This is my love. I don’t care how people gonna say I’m selfish. I don’t wanna ask what he need… weather he likes to spend his life with me, there’s no difference now of asking him, I’m scared to ask, all I need is him without any conditions.
Am I happy with what I did? God no. I feel ashamed, sad and empty. At first, I promised to watch him just from afar. But this time I took him as my property. I put him in my love jail, making him suffocate of my demands. God above all gods, I become selfish, I’m sorry. All I want is to fight for my love and to be happy, I forget to see if he is happy with me. What shall I do now? should I set him free from my love jail? Oh god I feel like dying just by the thought of him away from my sight. I used to laugh with him, shared precious moments with him… How could I let him go? Is there a need to?
Now, I would like to run behind firefly which just I can see but hard to find. I wanna run as long as I can, I wanna see when I get broken tired. I wanna chase my dream of having him, loving him the best way I can, fly him into somewhere else ‘till my wings get broken .... and realize how weak I am.
It's all weak love...when selfishness prevail than sacrifice, when treating the one you love as your property, when jealousy locks your capacity to understand, when turning your good self into devil, when you always find faults and blame others and above all when a goddess step down into a nonsense level.
Being a goddess is not easy. I live not for myself only, I love not for my own heart alone, but for the heart of everyone. Now I understand fully why my destined star can't simply stay. He has a mission like me, to keep shining every night and day and make everyone happy.
I must be strong in my love. I am a goddess of love, strong love should be in my heart.
Brain said, "My love is just in my heart since the man I love is not in real life".
My heart replied, "My love is pure enough to make a man come to life".